Songs of Easter

Up at my usual weekday wake up time, 5:40 a.m., this Easter Sunday morning. The boys were surprisingly easy to get out of bed. Fifty five degrees out and a clear sky. We bundled into the van with our folding chairs and jackets, heading for the beach. I walk on the beach every week with Kathy, my Stephen minister. She says faith in God comes easier when you are looking at the ocean or the Alps. I haven't been to the Alps yet.

Easter service started at 6:45 this morning, in the dark with this song: Here is Our King, followed by In the Name of Love. The songs broke through and I felt it all. Most days I am a kite barely tethered by my kite string to the reality of my day to day. That way of living has it's pluses and minuses. I can still see what's going on, but I can't feel anything good or bad. Today thankful that oldest son, imac, carried Melanoma Man's chair to the beach for him, this time unprompted by me.

By 9:45 a.m. the boys (imac and Butter) and I are at a friend's Easter Egg hunt. I am surprised that imac at twelve is willing and eager to participate. Halloween was a no go this year, " I'm too old for that Mom." I wonder what the critical difference is between Halloween and an Easter Egg hunt that makes the egg hunt plausible for this twelve year old boy. No costume required? That could be it. imac announces in the back of the car, "I like to help the little kids who can't find any eggs." Hmm, altruism. Happily, at the end of the hunt I find him sitting on the lawn sorting through and tasting his candy just like any other "little kid."

There is no special meal at our house for Easter, which I think is just as well. Yesterday Melanoma Man went looking for a leg of lamb at Winn Dixie and came home empty handed. "Yet another reason I don't like Winn Dixie," he said. Our local Publix has been torn down. A new one to be built in it's place. I am relieved, not so secretly. I can't stand lamb or the smell of it, nor can the kids. No special meal to prepare, Melanoma Man can sit on the couch and watch golf this afternoon, eating Tostitos with Winn Dixie Chipotle salsa, the one thing Winn Dixie does right. He is flu-ish and achey today, as he is two or three days of each week.

imac, Butter and I spend the afternoon in our backyard playing badminton with no net and soccer with no goals. I'm not terribly coordinated or athletic. They don't care. I think they just enjoy seeing me play, laughing at their goofy mom, having no agenda or "to do" list.

In the evening we watch Meet the Robinsons, which is one of my all time favorite movies. I haven't seen a "real" movie in about 12 years, since imac was born. Just Pixar and Disney. The movie ends with this song: Little Wonders. My day has been filled with them, these small hours, the little wonders. Best of all I showed up for them.

This Week's Happenings

Friday night featured the Cub Scouts Blue & Gold dinner, which Is not my best occasion. Melanoma Man has been a Den Leader for four years now, so it is a command performance for him. In years past I have driven separately so I can escape early, the stimuli of that many little boys, their siblings & parents all in one room being just too much.

This year was different. Sometime mid-week my spirit went underwater. Submerged everything is muffled and I can tolerate the intolerable. I planned to take pictures this week, thought it might get me back to myself. But it didn't happen. Taking pictures makes me think of "lasts."

Monday night featured the Boy Scouts Court of Honor, somewhat more subdued than the Blue & Gold. Oldest son achieved Star Scout. A week prior MM woke me at midnight crying, sobbing thinking he had forgotten some crucial detail related to oldest son's Star Scout achievement. "I've let him down. He will be so disappointed."

In the dinner line at the Court of Honor my eye gets twitchy, a warning of tears on the way. I reroute my train of thought to the present and the storm of tears is averted.

Tonight I sit with oldest son at the pediatrician's office, looking at my shoes, wishing for a new pair of this discontinued model. I think of the children's movie "Meet the Robinsons." Keep moving forward, keep moving forward.