Wow

I haven't been able to write these last few weeks because I've been holding back the feelings. When I write or scrapbook I feel all the feelings. Sometimes it is too much. Sometimes it makes me feel alive, really here, really living this life, instead of watching myself live this life from afar.

Melanoma Man's health has been relatively stable. His moods have not. I have been performing his Zemaira infusions for a few months now, but hit a bump in the road a few weeks ago, having some difficulty accessing the port. It all came together in the long run. I contacted my nurse friend Sara to come over and troubleshoot. We started a peripheral IV since we had port difficulties again. I honestly think it is just me being psyched out by Melanoma Man. The following Friday I had his official infusion nurse, Kathleen come over to help. I accessed the port with no difficulty. Melanoma Man has not been kind, refraining from speaking to me for two days after the first debacle. Then implying with words and tone that I am some kind of incompetent idiot in front of Kathleen. I announced that I would be in the kitchen while he talked trash because I didn't need to hear it, already knowing what he thinks of me. A moment later Butter joined me in the kitchen and asked " What is Dad talking about Mom?" I replied " I don't give a damn what your father has to say about me." Butter went to his room, sad and upset that I used the word "damn" until I told him he could fine me a quarter every time I cussed. I don't consider damn to be a bad word. Butter however is a purist. The quarter made all the difference in his mood. Money talks.

Yesterday was my last day at the job I began in January 2007. They gave me a wonderful send off breakfast. There were tears and hugs and cards and well wishes. As dysfunctional as we were, my work family has seen me through so much. I can't really imagine going through the day without them by my side. On Monday I'll give it a try. We will see if I can swim on my own.