Sunday, June 29, 2014

That calendar could save your life

It's that time of year when I start to think "maybe if I get a new calendar I'll be better able to manage my life." I've tried paper, electronic, Franklin Covey, 7 Habits, you name it. There's no calendar called "This is for you: caregiver, caretaker, carrying too many messy things and people." No "your life is going to be a breeze" calendar. I wasn't so much looking for a breeze, just a break. I've put some heavy things down, like my old job. I have tried not to pick up new heavy things, as demonstrated by the fact that I did not apply for the opening for nurse manager of my division. I'm in the process of starting a little etsy business. Hey I thought I was supposed to be putting things down, instead of picking them up? I was making excuses or explanations to my dear friend Di, as to why I haven't opened my shop yet. She carefully, and logically pointed out that the Etsy shop will be my fourth job, Full time RN, Mom, and Wife being jobs one, two, and three. Ah perspective, thanks for that. I keep feeling like I never finish anything and am rushing myself to prove a point to me, that I can follow through. 

I have had a good couple of days. Melanoma Man, iMac, and Butter are in Riverton. Sometimes I waste these rare times alone being sad, sometimes being mad. This time neither. Breakfast with my Stephen minister yesterday, followed by pedicure. Late afternoon haircut with Lily. Lily is my new favorite hairdresser. I'm pretty faithful, but Koran my previous hairdresser left for Nashville and gave me Lily. I got a good deal. I made several trips to the Salvation Army with old fan, humidifier, outgrown clothes, board games for littler kids. I washed and dried all sheets, comforters, clothes, towels. More significantly I put ithem all away and made the beds. When I felt discouraged at the state of the house in general I wrote down all I had done and the discouragement lifted.

Topping it all off, I selected a new calendar at Staples, just in case this is really the one that will make order out of chaos. ;)

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Missteps and blunders abound

School is out! We had a frenzy of the middle school drama show, fifth grade talent show, BoyScout Court of Honor, fifth grade graduation, eighth grade graduation, 24 hour trip to Orlando, and Melanoma Man's follow up with the Weber at Moffitt Cancer Center. During all that MM seemed to be swapping words out, gave me directions to a location we had been to together 2 days before, short term memory seemed to be a little off. I raised the subject of memory loss with MM. After my third attempt he said "I'm losing my mind." He joked, " What did you say your name was again?" Deflecting any talk of aberrations. 

I overstepped my bounds perhaps, emailed Dr. Weber 2 days before MM's appointment. MM handled it better than I expected. With not much more to lose, I didn't care so much if he was mad or furious or hurt. it was just the opportunity to just maybe find out early if these oddities are the result of radiation or of new tumors. The chance for an early MRI, the chance for radiation treatment if tumors were small enough. Seeing how much he is enjoying living, being here with me and the boys. I just wanted to buy some more time. As everyone, except perhaps for me, already knows, MM did not see this as an opportunity to intervene early. So we wait for our regularly scheduled program of MRI and CTscans in mid July. 

All is calm here in comparison to other recent months. Yet I have the sense that there is a murderer napping in the hall closet and I am too tired to stay on watch in case he wakes.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Afraid you are leaving or that I am lost

That is it. The work of my life, to learn to stop being afraid you are leaving. Dorothy and her ruby slippers, trying to go home. She brings me to tears to this day. Standing in a living room, someone else's living room 23 years ago. Dorothy came on the screen once again the tears came streaming down. My housemate, bewildered by the deluge of tears. Getting lost at every milestone: graduations, marriage, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, a move, a job changed. Each time unsettled, needing to remind myself that I am there,  that I am me, that this is as home as it gets, that I wouldn't feel so lost if didn't hold on so tight.