For Better or Worse, In Sickness and in Health

A late posting from October 2, 2015-These are the promises we make. Intellectually they are easy promises to make. We usually think they are hard promises at the time the vows are spoken. We are self congratulatory and so committed amidst flowers, music, friends and cake. Living them imperfectly, trying again when I fall short, no longer theoretical. Words cannot capture the attachment made to the spouse who both infuriates and delights you through the years. The pain felt as I watch him head straight into the storm of illness and treatments and mortality with book in hand. He always has a book or two with him in which he can duck away for a moment of peace.

A week ago today  I was leaving the ICU, taking the C elevator down to the lobby and then to the gold valet and back to the hotel. MM is feeling good, quiet, a little more tentative.

We made our return trip to Tampa last Wednesday, left home at 6 a.m., returned home at 8 p.m. Trusty Rose, MK, Kathy, and Sara wove together the daily routine for iMac and Butter. It was a peaceful trip for us. We were not afraid. We expected no new revelations today. Waiting in the Oncology exam room MM asked, "Why do you think Dr. E wouldn't comment on the other four tumors?" I had wondered when Melanoma Man would notice. I said "I think they pose no immediate danger to you. It is too soon to address them. I think he needs to see if they have stablized in size on the next MRI or if they will grow."

At home this weekend there is that desire to forget the brain tumors and to return to a time before tumors. I find I am a little more capable of achieving peace during the in between times. This is good, because there is no way my mind, spirit or body could sustain the level of fear, tension, anger and sadness that mix together and periodically fill my mind. I wonder if it is the meditation, your prayers, the yoga. It does not matter. I am grateful.