This week featured 2 trips to the Cancer Center for Melanoma Man. The first on Wednesday, by plane, with apologies for spending the money. No apology needed. I worry about the 9 hour roundtrip by car in one day. There's the professional warrior and the professional worrier. I am the latter. He forgot to bring his investigational drug home with him on Wednesday. The study protocol wouldn't allow them to ship it, even at our expense. So back to Tampa Saturday by car. I'm not totally heartless, I did offer to go. He is totally independent and doesn't need no wife driving to Tampa for him. So off he went.
I've developed a new diagnosis for the DSM V ( Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Obsessive Compulsive Card Making Disorder. The good news is that if things go as planned I'll make some $ off the cards. If things don't go as planned, you lucky readers will have happy happy birthdays and reasons to smile unexpectedly when you go to the mailbox.
Side effects. I'm experiencing a good one from dropping out of graduate school. I wanted to believe, believe, believe, that I could do it all, keep these plates spinning in the air. There would be a sacrifice and I thought I saw it out of the corner of my eye, just barely. Nothing blantant, not overt. Only I could see it. I was losing my oldest son. I became invisible to him. The unavailable Mom, the don't bother Mom, the mom is too busy, the "you are 12-do it yourself" Mom.
It's been 4 or 5 weeks since I dropped out and just this week he started talking to me again. "Mom, let me tell you about the plot of the game I'm playing," or "Mom, you won't believe what happened on Clone Wars," or "Mom, can I summarize the book I just read for you?" His summaries are exceedingly long and exceedingly boring, but they are the way in to his heart. His sharing them with me, a sign that all is not lost. And last night he said: "I wish you didn't have to go to work on Monday."
I am reminded again that I am just where I am supposed to be.