Why I can't tell you how I feel

Because there is so much more to come, intense gets intenser. The only down time is between appointments when I am in Tampa. At home there is no downtime. There is the leaking sink in the hall bath. There is the front door handle that never works and in fact fell off last week. The rental company sends Kermit to fix it. Both Kermit and I know the door handle needs to be replaced. He has fixed it 4 times for me in the last 4 years. The fix always lasts 24-48 hours. There is laundry and groceries. There is the job I have only been to three days this month. I am thankful for my boss who has helped me navigate the painful process of applying for FMLA. There is the FMLA administrator who lost my forms, and then once they have been sent to her a second time, she tells me that my FMLA expired March 10th. She tells me about her mother's cancer when I am packing my bag to go back to the hospital on the day of Melanoma Man's second craniotomy March 11.  I think she should not be in this job. 

Now in Tampa I am missing iMac, and Butter, and Cha. There are therapy dogs outside the lab. I want therapy cats, even if they might bite. MM is in the CTscanner right now. We will go through the Chik fil a drive thru on the way back to the hotel to get my lunch. Back at the hotel I will administer MM's midday medication. He will administer the tube feeding. He has mastered it. The meds are tricky because they don't want to stay in solution and easily clog the tube. He would need 4 hands to unclog the tube himself. I think about sending Uncool Wayne, as the kids call their Uncle Wayne, next week with MM for radiation so I can be with the kids, who I have barely seen this month.